Advice for Moving to a New City
Since publishing my previous writing on “Building Communities”, I’ve had a few friends ask for advice on moving to a new city, which inspired me to write this essay. I believe this is still relevant to people who lived where they are for a while.
Moving to a new city as an adult can be scary and challenging, you don’t know anyone and most people there already have their circles. I have lived in 6 different cities after college and enjoyed all of them to the fullest. Here’s the advice I found most useful during every transition:
Be Okay With Being Alone
It’s normal to feel lonely in the beginning. Understand that there is immense power in solitude. Often when we get comfortable in our network, we do things because of social pressure or for social approval. Moving is the best time to rediscover yourself. Do things not because of what others wish you to, but because you truly want to. You can be alone without being lonely.
When I first moved away from the US back to Taiwan after college, I felt quite sad seeing all my friends having a good time from across the globe. Then I realized how much I did things for social approval. I was able to learn a ton about myself and pick up new skills (Coding & Photography) during that alone and transformative time.
Explore Your Interests
With a more open calendar, you have time to try a few things and invest further in the ones you truly enjoy. Someone I met at a party when I first moved to NYC once told me: “You know you’ve found your passion if you love doing something even though you suck”. Because of that, I picked up oil painting, violin lessons, read a lot more, trained hard for basketball, and did a lot more travel photography. My interests opened the door to meeting many wonderful people and forming communities such as Book Club or 530 basketball club. The best way to meet like-minded people is through your interests and hobbies. It is a lot easier to build a connection when there are common ground and shared activities.
Join Meetups, Go to Happy Hour by Yourself
Meetup.com or Facebook groups are great places to meet people with similar interests. I’ve met many cool photographers in Hong Kong and San Francisco through photography meetups/photo walks. I hated showing up to things alone in college, always self-conscious of looking like a loner. But I realized you can miss so many wonderful opportunities if having company was a prerequisite! Going alone is also a forcing function to be more open to new connections. There is nothing wrong with having good company, but don’t let not having any stop you. There were times when I went somewhere alone and didn’t enjoy myself, but most of the time I’ve been welcomed warmly. Don’t let one potential bad experience discourage you. Meetups are truly a great way to explore these new interests even if it means going solo.
Be Proactive, Commit Concrete Plans
Without your old friends inviting you to things, it’s completely on you to make your new life interesting. Take full responsibility in proactively seeking opportunities for social connection and self-discovery.
Everyone is super busy, it makes it a lot easier to make concrete plans and commit to them. Instead of saying “Let’s hang out some time!” and never do, try “Want to get lunch next Tuesday at Ippudo?” All you need is simply 2 things — time and place. People can be flaky and you won’t connect with everyone, but make sure the reason isn’t on your end. Be the person that makes it happen by taking full responsibility for their relationships.
Be Open and Vulnerable
I’m convinced that the only way to create meaningful and deep connections is through openness and vulnerability. It can be a scary thing to do, you might sound silly, you might get hurt. It takes courage to be the one to take the first step in opening up. From my personal experience, being open & vulnerable 9 out of 10 times has opened up new doors for creating deeper connections, and is directly responsible for the closest relationships I have in my life. That 1 time that was not reciprocal? Worth it and I actually don’t recall any. It’s also liberating to just always be who you are and use that to filter out people who mind.
Help others build their network
It might sound counterintuitive to think about helping others before you establish yours, but it is the most effective way to grow yours. Your network grows the most when you actively help others grow theirs by connecting like-minded people.
When you meet people that you know will connect well with others you know for any reason — their interests or personality — take the initiative and offer to make the introduction. Sometimes the people you introduce become closer to each other than they are with you and that’s okay! Building networks is a non-zero-sum game. It’s one of those things where the more you give the more you will receive — a universal law in love, kindness, and especially relationships.
Redesign Your Routines and Rebuild Habits
Having routines and habits are essential to getting into a rhythm in a new environment. I found it usually takes me 3 months after moving to feel more settled and get into a stride. It might not sound directly connected to meeting new people, but your internal energy is the engine for all your external activities. I started the 5 am Discipline routine after moving to NYC, which has been the driving force that makes all my other pursuits in life possible.
Creating a routine will give you a sense of structure to iterate on. Good habits will increase your self-esteem and directly fuel your positive personal aura that will attract the right kind of people.
Believe in Serendipity
You can’t count on it but you can never count it out. New relationships can form when you least expect it. I met one of my closest friends Mike, whom I now consider a brother to me, by just from chatting at a bar while waiting for drinks at a Happy Hour. Maintaining a positive attitude will dramatically increase your probability of serendipity. The universe has a way of giving people what they need when they are open and receptive. You never know if the next person you run into is a new close friend or romantic partner ;)
In Summary
Moving to a new city is an amazing chance to rediscover yourself and to redesign your life; you only get to do this so many times in your life! Even if you lived in the same city for a while, I believe these points still apply (if not more) since it’s easy to get comfortable and complacent.
Start the new habit and routines you always wanted to. Be open and vulnerable. Learn about yourself, explore your hobbies and strive to be the best person you can be in your city!
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Thank you Annie C, Alex Reichert, Stepan Parunashvilli, Johnston Jiaa, Joe Averbukh, Mike Chuang, and Jesse Hendrickson for reviewing and giving feedback on this writing!
